Despondent
by an.empty.tear
Summary: "In despair, he asks the empty corner of his mind where Splinter once resided: 'but what happens when I need you'" After the events on that fateful day, the turtles struggle to deal with loss, failure, and the new changes in their lives. ((SPOILERS for Season 3 finale! Chapter 2 of 4! R&R!))
1. Leonardo

**AN:** After recently watching the season 3 finale of the 2k12 series, I needed a way to get the feels out. This may be a oneshot, but I'm debating doing the viewpoints of all four brothers. It will just depend on the feedback and of course how dynamic I'm feeling about writing the events through everyone else. Please R&R this is my first published story here on FF :)

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own TMNT, never will.

 **Despondent (adjective): in low spirits from loss of hope or courage.**

* * *

 **LEONARDO**

 _Your brothers will need you, my son._ Splinter would have told him. _You are their leader._

Leonardo can hear the words in his head, replayed in Splinter's voice over and over again. Yes, his brother's will need him, but they need their father more. Leo is the oldest, the leader, the strongest on the team, the one who always took Splinter's teachings to heart- but he's no father.

They don't need a leader right now. They need their father.

That's what Mikey needs. It's what Donatello and Raph need. Hell, even April just lost her father to that gaping black hole.

A part of Leonardo died while he watched Michelangelo sobbing over their father's lifeless body. Mikey, the one who cracks a joke to ease the tension, the one who laughs in the face of danger, the one who always sees the cup as half full- to see him cry is something Leo fears he won't be able to forget.

He's terrified for his brothers. In the past they've been forced to flee their home, to leave their father behind. But in the back of their minds they knew their home was still there, they knew their father was still alive. All the time they spent on the farm was to train, to ready themselves for the rescue mission: to mentally prepare for the fight to come.

This time is different.

There is no home. There is no Sensei. There is no fight because there's no one left. There's nothing left to rescue. This time they don't retreat to some homey cottage that April has tucked away in the forest. They're in a tin, cold spaceship a billion miles away from the cloud of dust and gas that used to be Earth.

How could they lose them all so easily?

How could they LOSE so easily? They had been against it all, the Shredder, the Foot, the Kraang. They had defeated every enemy they had ever come up against. His brothers, his team, they always had a way. They always pulled together in the nick of time.

But not this time, and now they're all gone. Leatherhead, Slash, Kirby, Splinter…

Karaii

He grits his teeth and bows his head in nothing but anguish. He had tried so hard for her. After the months of searching and trying to save her and watching as Shredder turned her against them; it was all for nothing. After all that he still couldn't save her.

He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself as his bright blue eyes scan the room they're sleeping in.

The robot, Professor Honeycutt, had given each of them their own rooms. He is a hospitable and friendly droid, but they can't trust him. Not yet. Not until they know where they're going, why he saved them, and what this "adventure" his family is being sent on entails.

Until then, they all opted to sleep together. The doctor hadn't seemed to mind, taking no real offense to their distrust.

Leonardo had silently volunteered to take watch for the night. Raphael was smart enough to let him. It wasn't like he'd be able to sleep tonight anyways.

Around him his brothers breathe with the heaviness of sleep. Against his leg there's a pillow that Mikey rests his head on.

Leo always had a thing with personal space. Living with your brothers, underground, for your entire life will make personal space more sacred than anything else. In the past Leo might have playfully or forcefully shoved Mikey away but tonight someone would have to pry his baby brother out of his hands before Leo let him sleep alone.

Mikey has always been the loudest sleeper, even in body language. He's always been sprawled out starfish-style on the couch or his bed, taking up as much space as his body can possibly consume. Every few minutes he'd twitch from the motions of a dream. Ninety-nine percent of the time his mouth is wide open, obnoxiously loud snores emitting from his mouth that would disturb even Donnie in his lab.

Tonight Mikey lays on his side, slightly curled in on himself. His breaths are heavy from the exhaustion of the battle, but aside from that he's silent. Leo can't even remember the last time he's seen Mikey so still.

Raphael isn't too far. He's on a bed but he's sitting up, his shell against the wall, arms crossed, and his chin resting against his chest. Next to Leo, Raph is doing the best at hiding the pain of his loss. Despite never having the title, Raphael always treated this team as seriously as though he was the leader. He's always wanted to be seen as the toughest, the strong-willed of all his brothers both mentally and physically.

For now, he's doing his best, but Leonardo fears for the next mission, the next battle, the next time they disagree. The longer he holds in these emotions the longer they'll build up until he explodes.

But unlike Mikey, he can't force Raph to feel. He can only hope he'll be able to whether the blast when he finally does explode.

His eyes scan over to where Donnie is. April's head is resting in his lap and he hopes that will be enough to let Donatello rest peacefully for tonight. No matter what April has always been his escape route. Something about April has always allowed Donnie to relax and escape from his countless experiments, even when his brother's constant persistence couldn't tear him away from the lab. But Leo's okay with that. In reality, he's glad something finally came along in their lives that could make Donnie see the world as something more than a series of elements and equations.

He fears for his purple-clad brother just as much as he fears for the rest of them. When they stepped foot on this ship and escaped the suction of the black hole Leo had been in shock; that much was certain. But Donnie was completely numb. All he could do was weakly state what was happening, despite the fact that his brothers had seen it with their own eyes.

In this situation, Donnie will probably be a lot like Raph and let the emotions and the loss pile up in his heart. But the dangerous difference between Don and Raph is Raphael will eventually get it out of his system. He'll take it out on his brothers, or a punching bag, or someone they're fighting against. Donatello's depression will manifest in sleepless nights spent in the lab, alienating himself from his family. Donnie will bury his feelings underneath piles of work that will eventually cripple him.

A sudden wave of anger rushes through his chest. They don't deserve this. They don't deserve any of this. All their lives they've trained to be able to save each other and the people they want to protect. What was all that training for, for it to end up like this?

He slowly stands as to not disturb the sleeping body beside him. He tip-toes stealthily to the restroom but he's not the only one on high alert tonight.

He feels his brother's stare before he hears Raphael whisper, "Where you going?"

Leo points to the bathroom door, not risking his voice waking up the others. Tonight, sleep is precious. In the nights to come there won't be much of it as the events of today finally settle into their minds. For now, the shock will allow sleep to come easily.

Raph nods, settling back in comfortably.

Leo doesn't wait for him to close his eyes before he turns and makes a quick break for the bathroom, desperately seeking the privacy it holds.

He waits a few minutes before allowing himself to lean against the sink, his chest heaving in silent sobs that his mouth refuses to vocalize. His fists clench together so hard his knuckles turn a pale green and his eyes are so tightly closed all he can see is black.

But even that can't stop him from seeing their faces, from seeing his father fall limply onto the ground. He can't stop himself from seeing his father's head lolling lifelessly in his grip while Michelangelo cries and Donatello looks down in absolute despair. He can't erase the look of horror on Raphael's face as the world disappears.

His father; his Sensei…

 _Dad,_ Leo mouths against the porcelain.

He wants to say goodbye, whether it's to Splinter's lifeless body or his actual father, he doesn't care. He just wants to say it, just wants some form of closure. It all happened so quickly. One minute he was alive, full of energy, determined, precise; bounding. The next he was still with the Shredder's blades sticking out of him. Even Splinter barely had the time to register what had happened before he was gone.

How could they be so stupid? How could they actually think Shredder would care about their planet? Shredder is the kind of soul that cares for nothing but himself and his selfish wants. To think for even a second that he would team up with them for the greater good…

He should have done something! The entire fight he was so consumed with fighting the Triceratons that he was completely distracted from the fact that his own father was fighting beside their greatest enemy. Was the Shredder's betrayal really so hard to predict? There has been so many times where Splinter watched their backs, protected his sons when they didn't see a blade or a punch coming.

He always watched his brother's backs but how could he forget his own father?

Leo likes to think that had he not been so busy, so worried about rescuing Mikey that he would have advised his father differently. There were so many times where Splinter had turned him to the right path. Why couldn't he do the same?

He likes to think that if he had said something his father would have acted differently. But was there really another option? They were out of allies, it was only logical to turn to an enemy.

No, there had to be something! There had to be a scenario where they all made it out of there alive. The world wasn't meant to end like this: billions of years of creating only to be gone in an instant. There had to have been a way where they all survived- a way, a loophole, some situation where his father is still alive.

Now all he wants is to see his father, to be able to say goodbye. He deserved to say goodbye! If nothing else, just that single word.

Splinter was everything to him. He was his teacher in times of uncertainty. He was their father when they had no one else. He was his friend when his brothers grew tired of his leadership. He was his mentor when his mind would stray.

Splinter taught him everything he knew. But he never taught him how to live without a father.

And now they would all look to him. With Splinter gone, as the eldest the Hamato clan falls to Leo. He had always been in charge but now there was no one to fall back on, no one to look to for advice or comfort. Now there is only the wisdom that Splinter instilled in him, and even after all these years it seems like so very little.

Can he do this again? Rise from the ashes and overcome their awful circumstances? This time there's no physical injury, no broken leg, but the pain is just as horrible as he remembers it.

He has to get through this. He doesn't have a choice. His family needs him.

When he finally rises to look himself in the eyes he can't take it anymore. His fist smashes his own reflection, sending the class mirror shattering with a thundering crack.

He regrets it instantly. In the other room he can already hear the others jolt awake.

Raph opens the door before he can even touch the doorknob (to lock it or open it, he'll never get to know.)

His brother's eyes are roaming over him, taking in the scene: the broken mirror, the glass on the ground, his brother's bleeding fist, and most importantly the tear streaks on his older brother's face.

"I didn't…" Leo starts, his eyes surveying his injured hand and his family, all awake and alarmed.

He didn't mean to wake them, didn't mean to hurt himself, didn't mean for any of this to happen.

"Hey," Raph whispers, approaching his brother with caution. His hands are up peacefully and touch his brother's shoulders, trying to soothe and stabilize him. "It's alright."

"We didn't…" Raphael raises an eyebrow as his brother's words come out as nothing more than a whisper.

"We didn't even get to say goodbye." Leo sobs and lets himself collapse against his brother's chest.

He lets his brother hold him as he cries, mourning for their dead father. His entire body shakes and his dripping hand is pressed between them but Raphael holds him so tight he's trapped between his brother's protective arms and his heartbeat.

 _Your brothers will need you, my son._ His father's voice echoes in his head.

He nods, accepting the words that his brothers can't hear. In despair, he asks the empty corner of his mind where Splinter once resided: _but what happens when I need you?_


	2. Donatello

**AN: So this was going to be a oneshot, but as time went on I was able to get more ideas for the other three. From there, I just decided to do everyone's POV. So this is now chapter 2 of 4. Up next is Raph! Also- thank you all for reading, reviewing, and favorite-ing! It means the world! So here's chapter two and don't forget to R &R! :) **

* * *

**DONATELLO**

Ever since Donatello was old enough he'd held the title of the family paramedic. It began with peeling the sticker off the back of a Band-Aid and over the years it has grown into a role that hangs over his head like a persistent curse.

He's never liked having to be the doctor or the surgeon. He's always preferred being the mechanic, the scientist, "the Brainiac" as Raphael would so often call him. He loved picking something apart and putting it back together. There was something fascinating about taking something broken and repairing it, simply by looking at the wire and metal that held it all together.

Donatello has always loved fixing things, but his brothers were never on that list.

In their clan they all knew they had their roles to play, and just like any other team he knew the part he played was a vital one. Even when his brothers would tease that he wasn't as skilled as them, that he was a member of the "B-team," he knew without him the scale would be tipped. The balance would be off.

The fully functioning machine they had going would break down.

Leonardo is their leader. The one who knows how to keep calm under immense pressure. He's their oldest brother, the one they could talk to in times of uncertainty- or just when they couldn't go to Splinter. They can depend on him to lead them no matter what the situation may be.

Raphael is Leo's polar opposite; the wildcard in the deck. He's their brute strength. The one nobody knows how to predict or control. But underneath the tough exterior, Raph loves his brothers deeply. He'd charge into battle if anyone so much as laid a hand on them.

Michelangelo is of course the comic relief, the baby of the family. He's their sunshine, their ray of light, the one who can always make them smile, no matter how much they don't feel like it.

Mentally they were a perfect balance- just the right combination. But physically Donatello knew that if he wasn't there, there would be no one to fix the cuts and scrapes on his brother's bodies.

If it weren't for Donnie, who would fix their wounds and treat them when they were sick?

Leo would probably be the best candidate. Then again, Leo could lead his brothers, command them, give them advice. But he wouldn't know how to react when the same bodies he's trying to keep safe are battered and broken right before his eyes.

Raph wouldn't have the patience. Not for a single second. And Mikey? Mikey's the one who Donnie constantly has to slap a Band-Aid or a sling on.

From a very young age it became apparent to Donnie that they would need someone to learn how to sew stitches or pop an arm back into place. When they were younger their injuries were minor. There wasn't much that could happen to them that Splinter couldn't handle. But as they grew and their training intensified, he knew there were some things that even their father couldn't make better with a kiss or a cup of tea.

There was no one that to help them if they became fatally wounded. They weren't human. If they went to a hospital for an injury they would be shot, captured, or experimented on- most likely all three.

So it was up to him.

It was up to Donnie to press ice to their bruises. It was up to him to swab their cuts with hydrogen peroxide. It was up to him to listen for that sickening 'pop' when he'd push a dislocated shoulder back into place. It was up to him to ignore his brother's screams as he'd reset a broken bone and fashion a cast from what few supplies they had.

And he hated it. He absolutely hated every single second of it.

In the dark of the night and the heat of the battle, when something went wrong they would scream his name. Every time, he felt his heart stop. His heated body would turn cold. Time would slow down. Every time he never knew what he would turn around to see. Would it be something simple? Maybe Raphael had been clumsy with bloodlust and hadn't seen the blade that sliced his shoulder. Or would it be something that Donnie wouldn't be able to fix? Would he turn around to see one of his brothers impaled- a sword through the heart or a jugular cut wide open?

Every time the same fear went through Donnie's head: would this finally be the time when he wouldn't be able to save them?

Thankfully his brothers have been cautious over the years. Well… as cautious as teenage ninjas could be.

But this wasn't cautious. This was something so childish. It was the perfect mix of idiocrasy and recklessness. Cracking a mirror is something Raphael would do, not Leo.

The needle goes through his brother's skin and each time green flesh tenses as he stitches the ugly wound.

He wants to scold him; tell him that had he not done something so stupid, so unlike him in the first place that he wouldn't have to be here. But other than his brother's body language, the eldest doesn't voice any complaints on the pain. Because of this, Donatello remains silent.

It's not the size of it that irks Donatello. The cut on his brother's knuckles isn't a big one. It took Donnie a few seconds to actually decide whether or not it would even require stitches. He had debated in his mind, back and forth for a brief moment. In the end, he couldn't chance it and decided he would need to tend to the wound before he could even attempt to fall back asleep.

It's the emotional toll that is really starting to drive Donnie mad. They've already been through so much. Couldn't they go one night without having to ride another emotional roller coaster? They had already lost their world, their friends, their…

And now he had to deal with this?

He understood his brother's frustrations. He truly did. If Donnie had a quarter for every time he wanted to punch a mirror, punch his own reflection staring back at him, he would have enough money to buy pizza every night until they died- and it's not like turtles lived short lives.

The simple fact was that even though Donnie was constantly on the verge of a breakdown from stress, he never took a swing at anything. It's no small accomplishment, considering all the times Mikey could simply not keep his hands to himself. It was even award-worthy when he begins to remember all the nights he spent desperately trying to find a cure to the mutagen, trying to find a cure for Karaii's horrible condition.

Donnie's life has always been full of stress. But for the first time, when the world got sucked into a black hole his mind was silent.

Everything was suddenly gone. All the scientific expressions, all the elements, all the information he had constantly buzzing around in his head went quiet. Every fact that he had ever learned about his planet, what it was made of, who was on it, and all the great accomplishments they had made were suddenly gone. Every painting, every theory, every invention ever made suddenly didn't matter anymore.

It was all gone and would never exist again.

And in that moment Donatello had never felt so… useless.

In a world where he had been a genius, all the information in his head was now utterly inapplicable to anything. The only thing left worthwhile was mathematics, but even then there were formulas that no longer applied. Physics didn't exist in space where a hammer could weigh the same as a feather. There was no gravity, no air, none of the elements he had grown up memorizing.

Now he was in a spaceship made of a metal that didn't exist on his planet, heading to a world he knew nothing about.

Now all he was, was the doctor, the medic. The only thing he knew now was his brother's bodies. He knew how to fix cut flesh, dislocated joints, broken bones- how to fix pain.

It was sickening. After so many years of teaching himself and struggling to absorb every piece of information he was given he was destined to become the thing he hated most. He didn't want to live in a world where he had to wait for his brothers to be in agony before he was good for something.

It was frustrating! It was infuriating! He wanted to punch a thousand mirrors. Raphael was still strong. Leo was still quick- still had his team to lead. Michelangelo was still optimistic. But what was he?

The doctor. The one they would learn to associate with pain.

To be honest, he could live with it. He would hate it every day but he could find a way. But above everything that had happened, the most frustrating part of his horrible situation is that even though he's the healer of the family- he couldn't save his own father.

The stitches he's making begin to blur as tears well up in his eyes.

Out of all his brothers, he had always felt the most distant when it came to Splinter. Leonardo and Raphael were constantly seeking their father's approval through their training- both using different methods. Raphael was all strength and force whereas Leo had used mentality and technique. Mikey was the baby. Of course he had been drawn to their only parent. When they were little, Mikey's world practically revolved around Splinter: showing him his drawings, wanting to play a game with him, wanting to hear a story. Mikey used to thrive off of that kind of interaction.

Donnie had always been different. He didn't desire the same attention Mikey did. He never had an interest in being Splinter's number one student either. The only time he came to Splinter was for information on the human world- and even there Splinter sometimes fell short.

Hamato Yoshi had never been a scientific man. He relied on the art of ninjitsu, tradition, and the teachings of his own sensei. Yoshi was a genius- just not in anything Donatello was passionate about.

Though it's not like they never tried to meet between the strange distances they had in their conflicting personalities.

It would always make Donnie smile- those moments when his father would suddenly be standing beside him in the lab, peering over his shoulder. Donnie would never hear him coming- whether it was because he was too immersed in his work or because of his father's skill, he wasn't too sure.

His father would ask about what he was working on, and although Donatello would explain it to him, he'd quickly have to translate it into words his Sensei could understand. Even if he didn't comprehend, even if Splinter left the lab completely baffled, he was trying. He was making an effort to be in his son's life.

If he could say one last thing to his father, there was no doubt in his mind that it would be 'thank you.'

 _Thank you for trying. Thank you for being the father we needed. Thank you for listening, even if you didn't understand. Thank you for loving us all equally._

Thank you for loving me.

He pulls the thread a little too hard and beside him he can hear Leonardo hiss in pain.

Donnie takes a second, tries to calm himself, but he can't. He couldn't save him.

He couldn't save him.  
He couldn't save him.

He was right there! His father was bleeding out right in front of him. But by that time it was already too late. By that time Splinter needed more than what Donnie's hands were capable of. He needed a hospital, a real doctor, and a miracle.

This just wasn't fair! Hadn't he been through enough? Hadn't _they_ been through enough?

It's all so frustrating in Donatello's eyes. He didn't ask for this, not for a single damn thing and yet here he is. Even in space, in a protected spaceship, with all of their enemies dead, his brother has still managed to hurt himself. And he was still stuck with the dirty work he hated- repairing his brother when he knew the wound he was struggling with was so much bigger than the one on his hand.

With a huff he finishes Leo's stitches and begins bandaging his hand as quickly as he possibly can.

There's so much he wants to say to him. Everything that Raphael won't say, even though he's been stalking around their oldest brother, glaring at the wound like it was Shredder himself. He wants to yell at Leo for being stupid, for hurting himself, for making him have to do this, for giving him this unnecessary stress. He wants to scream at him until he can't think anymore.

As he finishes wrapping the bandages he looks up with so much malice in his throat and he's so ready, so eager to unleash it on their so-called Fearless Leader...

…But the second he looks up and their eyes meet all of his anger dies away into nothing.

All this time they've been calling him Fearless, yet he's never seen his brother so afraid.

It hasn't been since they were young that he's ever seen him so lost or helpless. Out of all the times Donatello has been able to read his brothers with a look, he finds himself staring at Leo and still can't figure out what's going on inside of him.

Then it hits him that Leo is just as lost as he is. There's that same look of despondent melancholy; that look of absolute failure. They both see their situation exactly for what it is. There's no hope here, no dream that they'll wake up one day and their planet will still exist- that their father will still be alive.

Together, they're just two teenagers that have lost their dad and can't find it in themselves to deal with the gaping hole he left.

"Thanks Donnie." Leonardo tells him, but the words sound more like an apology.

His voice shakes him from his thoughts and he nods his head. He fumbles to put away the supplies but his hands won't stop shaking. The bandages slip from his grasp and fall to the floor and roll away without a sound.

He curses under his breath and moves to retrieve the fallen supply, but the same hand he's just bandaged is grabbing his arm; stopping him.

"Are you alright?" Leo asks, his voice laced with a heavy concern.

Donnie shrugs him off and tries to ignore the hurt look on his oldest brother's face. "Shouldn't we be asking _you_ that?"

He tries to ignore it… but fails. The regret and shame in Leo's expression is too much for Donnie to handle.

After a deep sigh, he tries again. "I'm sorry. It's just…" A million different sentences flash through his head and he chooses none of them. For now, he decides on the easier route. "Just please don't do this again?"

Leo nods his head, understanding more than his younger brother could ever imagine.

"I _am_ sorry, Donnie. I mean that." He conveys so much sincerity in his words that Donnie can only stand to hold his gaze for a few moments before looking away.

"It's not your fault. These reactions are common when losing…" He can't stand to say it. A father, a dad, a friend. "A loved one." He finishes.

Again, Leonardo nods his head, understanding with his form of silent acceptance.

Then Leonardo says it. It's something he's always known but always doubted. Something he never needed but always wanted to hear. And now after everything that's happened, it's the last thing Donnie wants to hear.

"He loved you, Donnie. I'm sorry he never got a chance to tell you how much he admired what you did for our family."

He's so shocked that for a moment all he can do is stand still, emotionally trapped like a deer in the headlights. But the feeling wears off all too soon. Then once the wall has crumbled the words hit him so hard that the tears he was able to hold off earlier break through the barrier and he knows he can't hold them off any longer.

The genius turtle can simply nod before scrambling to leave, ignoring the pair of sea blue eyes that follow him as he retreats out the infirmary door.


End file.
